Walmart Genius

The phone of the local Walmart bakery rings. The employee takes their finger out of the frosting, wipes it on their shirt, reaches for the phone.

“Hello ‘dis is WAL-marts. How can I help you today?

“Yes. I’d like to order a cake for a going away party.”

“Ok. What would you like it to say?”

“We’d like to say, ‘best wishes Suzanne’ and underneath that ‘we’ll miss you’.”

“Okay so that is, ’best wishes Suzanne and underneath that we’ll miss you’?”

“Correct.”

“That will be ready in two to three hours for you to pick up.”

AWESOME!

One Word…WOW

This is my new favorite classified ad…

Senator Chris Buttars to Win Prestigious HAA Award

Today I announced that Utah Senator Chris Buttars will be award with the prestigious Horses Ass Award. Senator Chris Buttars (R, Senate  10) was first nominated after his racist comments last year. Last year Buttars described legislation on the Senate floor by saying, “This baby is black…this is a dark, ugly thing.” He then followed up that comment with this gem, ”the ACLU – bless their black hearts…,”

He ensured his place in history after opening his mouth once again to show everyone what a angry, hateful bigot he is. In a documentary about the LDS church’s involvement in California’s Prop 8 in 2008 Buttars was interviewed and reported compared homosexuals to radical muslims. That is just ridiculous because homosexuals don’t wear turbans. Buttars said, ”It’s just like the Muslims. Muslims are good people and their religion is anti-war. But it’s been taken over by the radical side.” Buttars also claims he’s “killed” every gay rights bill in the legislature for the last 8 years. He also talks about gay marriage being the beginning of the end. He offered real insight and understanding when he said, ”What is the morals of a gay person? You can’t answer that because anything goes.” And finally, this is how senator Buttars refers to the radical gay movement by saying, ‘They’re probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of.”

On his website Buttars states:

“One thing is sure; I will always be clear on where I stand on any issue and why I have taken that position.”

So I’ll break this down for you.

Sen. Buttars position: Homosexuality is evil and so are homosexuals.

Why: Buttars is a hate filled, ignorant bigot who just might be suppressing his own same gender attraction by attacking the homosexual community. Just a thought…

All I can hope and pray for is God to bless this Senator with a child or grandchild with same gender attraction so he might learn to be a decent human being.

Honorable Mention award goes to the residents of West Jordan who RE-ELECTED Senator Bigot Buttars last fall. West Jordan, I’d like to thank you for perpetuating the stereotype that Utah is full of close-minded, angry, republican bigots who claim to have a better Jesus than the rest of the world. Please get a clue when your out shopping tomorrow.

Only In Canada…

The fans of the Toronto Futbol Club voted to name the hawk at the stadium Bitchy. I’m not making this up.

Watch the Video

INTRODUCING BITCHY THE HARRIS HAWK & BMO FIELD PROTECTOR!

The term “eyes like a hawk” has taken on a whole new meaning at BMO Field as the home of Toronto FC has a new guardian overlooking the pitch. Perched high above sits TFC’s newest member – Bitchy (as named by you the fans) the hawk. Enlisted to stand guard on match days, Bitchy is trained to protect the BMO Field faithful from…of all things … seagulls!

The proximity to Lake Ontario and of course all the fine food around BMO Field makes the stadium a haven for gulls. The pesky birds have caused quite the nuisance for players, fans and of course the clean up staff. But that all ends going forward.

Enter Parabuteo unicinctus, or as she is more commonly known as – Bitchy the Harris Hawk. This four year old bird of prey has a 1.2 metre wingspan and strikes fear in the eyes of seagulls (as well as rabbits, rodents, lizards and possibly visiting teams). Our newest supporter will be at all TFC home games to watch over our house.

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

I’m reading a book called Bird By Bird by Anne Lamott. She quotes a poem by Phillip Lopate. This poem is great and unfortunately reminds me of WAY TOO MANY people I know.

We Who Are Your Closest Friends

By Phillip Lopate

O.C.D. Cure Discovered…not really

So Nick and I determined over breakfast yesterday that we both have developed OCD-like symptoms with age. We reasoned that it might be due to what we’ve learned over time. Such as, we know what we like and don’t like. We have experience and know when you make a mess no matter how long you leave it, how hard you pray, or how much you avoid it, you will eventually have to clean it up when you live alone. We’ve started to form opinions about things that we just didn’t bother with before, for example, 1-ply toilet paper. Seriously? Why do they even make that crap. It should be banned and sent to South America where it belongs.

I used to use pencils everyday in grade school. Then somewhere along the line I switched to pens. Everyone told me, “Ohh, pens were so great. Pens are the future.” Bull shit! Pens suck! They leak and get ink on my fingers and in my mouth (Have I mentioned I have a problem chewing on things?). I have to throw away 9,000 pieces of paper when I write in pen because I can’t get my “R” to look right. (This is a personal problem that I hope to fix with counseling).

So last night I was in class trying to avoid eye contact with my professor so I didn’t have to comment on the case study about the airlines I didn’t read when I realized…

TANGENT...Business strategy? Really? If your strategy is anything other than stay in in business and try and make money you’re an idiot. A PhD in Management can be learned in a few short life tips. 1-Don’t be an asshole. 2-Work. 3-Look around at what everyone else is doing. Copy and improve what they are doing right and don’t do what they are doing wrong. Finally, 4-Don’t be an asshole.

TOPIC…when I realized my OCD has been a lot more manageable since I switched back to using a pencil. That’s when it hit me! Pencils! They are the cure. Okay the cure is erasers and the ability to undo but pencils are more fun to talk about cause it is closer to the word penis…and pencils have erasers. Penises don’t (some should, ask Insert name of person with loose morals here what they think about that?)

Everyone needs to find the most anal person they know, take all their pens they and replace them with pencils (one with a good eraser). One day they will thank you. And maybe show you their…have I mentioned that I’m turning 30 on Monday?

Guinness Has Some Brass

My favorite new commercials…Guineess has some brass

I might have nightmares tonight…

I’m a bit creeped out by this artist’s work. I didn’t even bother to get the guy’s name.  Aaren…you’re a rockstar for sending me this link but seriously…I need another Prozac today.

www.cubebe.com/blog

I Haven’t Found the Right Person, Slash, Uncanny Ability to Find Flaws In Those I Date Trap

There is a very good article in the September 2007 edition of Ensign called “My Conversion to Eternal Marriage” by James Welch. It is an insightful article about how to get out of the “I haven’t found the right person-slash-uncanny ability to find flaws in those I date” trap. I encourage you to read it or to stick your tongue to the pages and try and rip it out of the magazine. (just because I said that someone will try it…you know they will).

I’m going to trade mark “I haven’t found the right person, slash, uncanny ability to find flaws in those I date trap”. Let’s make some t-shirts. They be up for sale in a few weeks on From the Trenches. That’s how people make money these days right? Making t-shirts. Check these out. www.8tees.com or www.sundaydriveshirts.com.  They are great.

This article made me think. I asked myself if I have a testimony of eternal marriage. I thought I did. I don’t have a testimony of eternal marriage. I’d be willing to bet that there isn’t a single person in the LDS-never-been-married community that does. It goes against the eternal laws that govern the Plan of Salvation. To gain a testimony of an eternal principle such as tithing, you have to obey the principle then as your faith and obedience are rewarded you gain a true testimony. Testimonies of individual principles are gained one at a time.

It was encouraging to see that I don’t have a testimony of this principle. It is great to realize that no matter how much I talk, write, or read about marriage, only after the test of my faith (more so of my wife’s faith) and marriage, I will truly have a testimony of this principle. I have a testimony of the blessings that come from obedience. I have a testimony that marriage is a commandment (I’m reminded every week by my mother, church curriculum, and my friend who threw their 20′s away for marriage). The testimonies I hold of two separate principles do not equal a testimony of marriage. I’m totally okay with that.

I do have a testimony of dates one through three, never letting my sisters set me up with their friends, and TiVo. Why do those who got married at age 18-22 insist that everyone should get married at that age? My sister, who is happily married with 3 kids, said, “Because misery loves company.” Those who get married before they can go to a club or rent a car have lost all credibility when it comes to pre-marriage relationship advice. Please don’t encourage others to dive head first into the kiddy pool.

Why do I have to wait while that guy who doesn’t brush his teeth gets to marry that girls who is HOT & RICH!

Topic: Oh dating…how I hate it with every fiber of my being, unless I like the girl and she likes me back. Under those circumstances it can be quite fun. Things like cute text messages, funny pictures, laughing like a little sissy, and mix tapes get involved. Sometime after that love becomes real, deeper, and more intense, so I’ve heard.

Tangent: I have been diagnosed with environmentally induced ADHD. I contracted this disease due to the many hours of my life I’ve spend under the benches in sacrament meeting drawing, looking for cheerios, or just trying not to kill myself due to the boredom I suffered during church. You should see the looks I get at the singles ward. “Who’s this 30 year old bald guy on the floor with the coloring book?” Well, screw you for judging me! I’ve been prescribed a cell phone with games. That has helped keep me in my seat, unless I get the high score on Bejeweled. Then I just get strange looks for cheering. You’d think people of my same faith would be happy for my accomplishments.

Editorial Notice: Due to my condition I will label my entries with “Topic”, “Tangent” or some other BOLD note at the first of the paragraph so you can read only the parts you’d like or read it all. I really don’t care as long as at some point in time you send me money.

Topic: I’ve determined that I’m going to use my “blog estate” here for absolute truths and real life experiences (I might flirt with some ‘trick here & there). This isn’t a place for lies and untruths so I’m just going to tell it to you straight. Kind of like Dr. Laura without the self-righteous, down speaking, and underlying judgement (unless it’s funny).

Tangent: Is Dr. Laura from Utah County? (Everyone from Utah County…SHUT-UP!  You did this to yourselves by being so lame!)

Topic: 1) There isn’t an guaranteed a+b=c formula to rid yourself of the LDS singles scene. Everyone’s journey is going to be different. Here is a little hint to why…IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY!

You need to accept it. If you can’t accept it then leave. I’ve seen people take the leap from different spiritual, educational, financial, emotional, and moral stages in life. I’m not saying that all of these people have had happy or successful marriages. I’m just saying that I’ve seen it happen…DAWWG.

Tangent: People who say DAWWG and really mean it should be man smacked-same with the guys who pop their collars, moms who dress like their teenagers, and emo dudes. Do you think emo guys’ little sisters get pissed when their brother wears their pants? I do.

Topic: When I find out people close to me are getting married I’m happy, I congratulate them. Sometimes cry because they are going to make the freakiest looking children I’ve ever imagined. Sometimes I’m angry because the marriage will be over in less then 24 months, I’m good friends with one, and I didn’t become a divorce lawyer! That’s a guaranteed client! Most of all I’m relieved because their marriage is not my decision, choice, or problem (unless they have a 2 day reception over Labor Day weekend, robbing you of your vacation! Todd! I can’t wait to ruin one of your vacations.)…so to all those aspiring Relief Society Presidents…DON’T GET INVOLVED.

We have all been through ups and downs. We’ve all had similar relationship woes in one form or another. Anyone can find sufficient excuses, self pity, doubt, and question why. I know that I did. I remember it vividly. I had just found out that someone I had been close to over a period of two years wasn’t who they said they were. I’d hoped for a future with this person but it just didn’t work out that way. In my pain and hurting I turned to the Lord. I’ve never felt more love and direction then during these few months. At this time I began asking why and when.

In the introduction of Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis, he explains the purpose of the book was to bring someone to Christ. He says that once someone has accepted Christ the religion or denomination they join thereafter, is up to them. He compares Christianity to a “hall” and the different “rooms” off of the hall to the various religions of Christianity. The journey begins in the “hall” but ultimate fulfillment and joy is found within one of the “rooms”. He explains that some people, once in the “hall” quickly identify and enter a room while others are “made to wait”. He doesn’t know why people are “made to wait” but councils that the wait is for their good and they are to pray more and remain diligent, hoping for more direction & light. He warns against “camping” or making yourself comfortable. He finished this analogy by justifying the additional wait time experienced by some by saying “once those who are made to wait finally enter into a room, they will find more joy, happiness, & fulfillment [then those who aren't made to wait].

While driving alone on I-15 somewhere between St. George & Las Vegas, I got my answer as to why. I’m still waiting for when…and her….